how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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