I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
