Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
