Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
