So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
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