I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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