Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
