There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
