Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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