Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
God, I missed his penis.
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