If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
