Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
