I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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