Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
