I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
