the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
