Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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