The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
