Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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