I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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