38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
