The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
