Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
well most of my day revolves around power hour
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
