You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
