The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
