Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I deserve this hangover.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
