Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
