I need to stop coming to work sober
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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