I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
