if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
