my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
