So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
