she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
