I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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