and she was petting her beer can
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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