Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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