He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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