Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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