I just pynch a tree in the face
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
