i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize