Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
