everyone is single if you try hard enough
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
