Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
