We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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