so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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