You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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