You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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