Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
