at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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