He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize