So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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