Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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