I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
