My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
