I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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