Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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