I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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