he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
