The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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