sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
